I have spent the last couple of days reading blogs. No, I lie. I’ve been collecting blogs. I’ve been searching in the nooks and crannies of the web. I’ve scavenged through blogs I already read, in hopes of finding other blogs to read. I’ve skimmed and stared – at some points my eyes have just glazed over in thought.
I genuinely have enjoyed reading many of the posts I’ve stumbled onto. I am looking forward to reading more posts. I’m slowly achieving one of my goals to be more involved in the communities I belong to. It feels good. I’m excited, but this process has created doubts in me.
When I first started blogging last year I was all set, at least I thought. I was sure it was the beginning of a never ending, happy ending story. I would blog often because I had found one of my true passions. Everything would fall into place. My posts would just roll from me like wool from a spindle.
Then I pulled a classic me: starting something, but not finishing it.
Insert: Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. I’ll stop there as I don’t want to bore you with all the excuses that could fill this page.
And then, somehow (don’t ask because I don’t remember) something called me to browse WordPress again. It was this insatiable…something… inside of me. An unfulfilled curiosity. A feeling of reprimand towards myself for what could have been. So I began to browse blogs and suddenly in front of my eyes: a challenge!
To post on your blog everyday or every week. The Post A Day Challenge.
I realized I was extremely late for this challenge because it’s really something that should be started at the beginning of the year, but that’s when I told myself: Hey! You are making excuses again! Stop giving yourself reasons not to write! So I joined. Once more I saw my dreams unfolding in front of me. This time it was really it! Until it wasn’t. I originally started blogging in April 2011. May was good, but then I skipped June and July. Come August I picked it up again and from my tags it seems I started Post A Day around October. I blogged and NaNoWrimo-ed in November. Then…silence…until this February when I felt that feeling again. A sense of something unfinished? Of something to yet be accomplished?
That’s exactly what it was and is: I will never be okay with the part of me that loves to write unless I’m writing. Simple. I know that it doesn’t seem like I’ve been inconsistent when I only took a break a few times in between, but trust me I know when I’m lacking commitment, and before I was, but now I yearn this. I don’t feel like it’s something I can discard. Now I feel like this is an essential part of my life… something that must be done on a regular basis to maintain my well-being and sanity. How can I make excuses up for that? I can’t. How I know this time is different is something I can discuss at another time, but this huge history of my blogging life has led me to this worrisome point: will those old, not-so-well-thought-out-posts come back to haunt me? Will someone go back to those earlier posts and run away without giving it twice a thought? Will it simply mess me up?
If I had not used those posts, that I wrote just to write, I wouldn’t be here right now. I had to get it out of my system. I had to get out of the way the fear and carelessness. I also had to have something to reference back to. I can look back at those posts and think to myself I’m not going there again. I don’t think they were horrible you see, but they weren’t my best. And as much as possible the only thing I should be outputting is my best. Simple. That’s where I am at now and I think I’ve been there for a few days. I care. I’m done not caring. I also realized that although I’m part of the Post A Day challenge, if I have to skip a day to be able to write a quality post – I will. It’s not longer about quantity, but quality.
So even though for a bit my old posts scared me. They don’t anymore. I had to go through that to get to here. It’s life. We have to go through the experiences we do to get to where we are now. Yes, you can argue how if you would have done this, that would have happened, and so on, but you didn’t and I didn’t. We’ve done what we’ve done so far and it has brought us to this point.
If you like it, congratulations: keep on keepin’ on. If you don’t, then it’s time to make some choices. All I know is I’m not going to settle. There’s no reason for you to settle either. Don’t let the past scare you. Let it be a guiding path that will give you a gentle push in the direction you are meant to take.
P.S. I do believe in fate, destiny, and “everything happens for a reason” but I don’t believe everything will just fall in your lap, you have to want it and work for it.