I lost myself a long time ago. I used to be so passionate about writing. I still am, but I used to just be able to write beautifully – at least I was told – and I feel like for years now I’ve lost that ability. In part it could be because for quite some time I just stopped doing it. When I started college I wrote because I had to and I forgot that I actually enjoyed doing it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I write all my blog posts last minute. I do put thought into them, but I don’t really write them enough ahead of time to go through and grammar/spell check. I think it is something I should start doing more often if I really want to take this seriously. Partly the reason why I am actually writing this at midnight. For the first time in a long time I’m doing something before the last minute deadline is upon me. I’m serious about doing Post A Day as much as possible. I may skip days in between, but as much as I’m able to I want to be consistent. A huge part of becoming a better writer, like anything, is putting time into it. I can no longer get by doing just the minimum. That is not what Post A Day is about to me anymore. It used to be something that would just get me to write anything, anyway, but that cannot be, and is no longer, the case.
There’s a lot to blogging, and ultimately it all depends on what you personally want to take from it. I want to improve my writing, make friends, learn from others…. amongst other things I wish to gain from blogging those are probably the most important. Yes, I’d love to be a published author one day, but right now it’s not what this is about.
I started this post saying how I lost myself a long time ago. And as time has gone by, I’ve used different things… people… moments to identify myself. And, for a little while, I’ve continually convinced myself that I once again found my true identity and persona, only to realize sooner than later, that it was all an illusion.
Honestly, I’m tired of the illusion. I want the real thing.
I want so much to be able to rely on those around me, and for the most part I can’t. The problem is when my being okay with myself relies almost solely on them – and that has just broken me little by little over time.
Personally, I believe in a God that is always there for me and that I can always turn to and that is a great solace to me. In addition to that though I need to go back and find all the things that make me, and open my eyes to the things that I’ve been missing.
In a few months I’ll be 23 – a weird number to me. I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot at this point in my life, but I need to accomplish soo much more – and I can if I give myself the chance and time.
One more thing I’d like to add. I was working on the post last night and right before revising it just now, before I hit publish, I decided to see if I could change my blog fonts. Well I purchased the font add-on. In a way I feel like it makes me have to be more committed, because I just “invested” $30 to “prettify” my blog. I am very excited about it though because honestly part of what I felt was missing from my blog was a touch of me and the colors and styles I like 🙂
My questions to you:
Have you ever felt lost? Have you found yourself yet? What are you doing to find yourself? It’d be nice to read 🙂